I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
