i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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