Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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