the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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