the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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