I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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