Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
