On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
