last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
