That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
