I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
