She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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