cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
