she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
if i died would you start the facebook group?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
