don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
