i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
