Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
