So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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