just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
