my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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