She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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