I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
