i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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