i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
