I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
