Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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