It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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