The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
