Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
