i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
