why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
