my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
