Farmville is her only friend.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
