i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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