i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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