You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
