You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
