The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
