You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
