peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
