I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Randomize
