i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
