so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
