after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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