I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
