Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
they need to just BURY HIM!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
