I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
