ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
