I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
