At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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